


Every Once in a While, Right Out of the Blue

by thornfield_girl



Series: I Remember You [2]
Category: Justified
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-05
Updated: 2012-01-05
Packaged: 2017-10-29 00:17:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/313754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thornfield_girl/pseuds/thornfield_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a companion piece to Your Memory Cannot Keep Me Warm But It Never Leaves Me Cold, which is about some of Raylan's memories of Boyd. This one is from Boyd's POV. Like the other one, it can be read alone but also works with my Somehow, Someday series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Once in a While, Right Out of the Blue

Boyd was tired, bone tired. He'd spent most of the day in a keyed-up state, driving through the desert on high alert. Nothing happened, like almost always - almost being the operative word. Because once in awhile, something did, and the last time it had, two men from his platoon were killed. After a day like this, everyone would come back feeling agitated but exhausted. Some would burn it off by picking fights, and at times Boyd was one of that number, but tonight he wasn't in the mood for it. For some reason that he could not explain, he had spent most of the day unwillingly thinking about Raylan Givens. He hadn't seen Raylan since he'd left Harlan three years before, and Boyd had no idea where he might be now or what he might be doing. He'd been pushing Raylan out of his mind for most of that time, not allowing himself to indulge in any memories of their time together. It was simply too painful, knowing that this was something that he had once had, a person who had loved him by choice rather than obligation, and with whom Boyd was not required to lie about any part of himself. He hadn't had that before Raylan, and he certainly didn't have it now. He didn't expect to ever have it again, and definitely not with Raylan. Anyone else was impossible to imagine, because he really didn't want anyone else in his life. He had only been able to let Raylan in because Raylan had made himself extremely vulnerable to him. They had caught each other at a low ebb, a moment of weak barriers. They had found each other in the little pause between childhood and adulthood, where emotions and sensations were almost unbearably heightened. Like all love affairs forged during such a time, this one had burned an indelible mark in his heart and mind. He often wondered if Raylan felt the same, and most of the time came to the conclusion that he did. How could he not? It didn't matter, not really, but it somehow made him feel a little better anyway.

Tonight Boyd settled into his bunk with a book, which he stared at for several minutes until he realized he'd read the same paragraph at least five times without comprehension. He put it down and laid his arm over his eyes. He thought about the fact that Raylan had been so much on his mind today. He'd tried pushing him away with other thoughts, but without his usual success. He just kept coming back to it. He figured maybe he just needed to work through it, let it flow over him. It was what he really wanted to do, what he'd been longing to do, but he couldn't afford to lose it here. He was never alone, and always needed to be on alert, so mentally being back in Kentucky with his boyfriend didn't seem like the best idea. Not that he'd ever called Raylan that out loud, nor had Raylan ever said such a thing to him. That's what they had been, though. Boys who loved each other. They hadn't ever said that either, but Boyd had never doubted it. He still didn't. There was no way they would have taken the risks that they did if they hadn't been in love, and conversely, there was no way they could have shared that experience without falling in love. For his part, Boyd had loved Raylan long before they had ever touched each other. It was strange the way Raylan had suddenly revealed himself to Boyd as a remarkable person. He had known Raylan since they were little kids, but Boyd had always viewed him through the prism of his daddy's contempt for Arlo Givens, and the Givens clan in general. He'd never hated Raylan, he simply hadn't given him much thought.

Boyd had long known that he liked boys, and he had always known that this was something he'd just have to endure. Whatever might have been happening in the late 80s in the rest of the country, none of that had come to Harlan. Boyd understood that if he chose Harlan, he was choosing to cut himself off from that part of life. He could fuck girls, he wasn't entirely uninterested in them, but he knew that would never really satisfy him. He didn't feel like he could fall in love with a woman. He did, however, feel that he could live without that in his life. There were other things he could put in the place where passion might have gone. That was before Raylan came along to strike Boyd like a bolt of lightning out of the blue sky.

It was the last game of baseball the high school team would play this season, and Boyd had decided to go and watch. A buddy of his was playing right field, and he figured they'd go drink some beers after. Raylan came up to bat, and it was about a second before he hit the dirt that Boyd noticed what an absolutely perfect physical specimen the boy was. Why he hadn't noticed before was something Boyd didn't have time to consider, because just then Dickie Bennett threw a baseball at Raylan's head and he was down. The benches cleared, but Boyd kept his eyes trained on Raylan. He saw, as if in slow motion, the trajectory of Dickie's cleats towards Raylan's face (a very handsome face - why had Boyd not noticed that before either?), but didn't seen Raylan wrap his fingers around his bat and swing it at Dickie's knee. He heard Dickie wailing in pain, saw him writhing on the ground, and when he looked again at Raylan he could see the anger draining out of his (shit yes, fucking beautiful) face and being replaced with something else. Something darker, and almost certainly inwardly directed.

For the rest of that school year and through the summer, Boyd didn't see much of Raylan, although he had begun to look for him whenever he was out. Raylan was old enough that he didn't get dragged along on Arlo's business, and the two of them really didn't have friends in common. Raylan didn't really seem to have friends at all, and when Boyd did see him he was always either alone or with whatever girl he was seeing at the time. Boyd didn't really know what was happening with Raylan, but he knew the boy wanted out of town badly, so when he showed up at the mine one morning dressed for work, Boyd was fairly surprised. And even though he knew he was taking pleasure from a situation that probably made Raylan miserable, he couldn't help feeling pleased to see him there. They'd gone for drinks that very first day after work, and on many days to follow. He wasn't sure exactly when he'd fallen in love with Raylan, but it hadn't taken long. Maybe a week, if that. Most of that was probably just infatuation, a strong physical reaction combined with the pleasure of having made a new friend - although, maybe that's all falling in love was, anyway. Raylan never tried to hide the fact that this friendship was becoming extremely important to him, which was something that surprised and impressed Boyd very much. Of course, Boyd had good reasons to be circumspect about his feelings for Raylan, but even men without anything to hide usually played down their affection for their friends. He would say things to Boyd that almost made him think he could tell Raylan how he felt, without fear of rejection. Not that he ever imagined Raylan would reciprocate, only that Raylan might actually somehow accept him for who he was anyway. He had told Boyd on more than one occasion that he didn't know how he'd be surviving in Harlan if he hadn't been lucky enough to find Boyd as a friend. He almost never turned down an offer to go for drinks, or to go fishing or hunting on a weekend. Boyd had suspected more than once that Raylan had cancelled or turned down dates in order to hang out with Boyd, although that was one bit of information he had held back.

There was that time in Lexington, when were sleeping out in Boyd's truck. That was the closest Boyd had ever come to saying something about his feelings, and the closest he had ever come to believing that Raylan might, possibly, return more than his friendship. Raylan was, once again, almost painfully honest with him about the importance of their friendship in his life. He didn't say it in response to anything in particular, it was more like he had needed to say it. That was when Boyd had wondered if maybe he was really trying to say something else. When, a few minutes later, Boyd offered to zip their sleeping bags together for warmth, he couldn't have denied that he was hoping Raylan would understand what it meant. It seemed impossible to be lying there next to him and not touching at all, and it had taken forever to fall asleep. He could tell that Raylan wasn't sleeping either, and wondered if it was for the same reason. When he woke up with his back pressed up against Raylan, it took everything he had to pull away. Nothing he could remember had ever felt that good before. When he turned over and looked at Raylan, he saw someone who looked at ease with himself. He looked comfortable with where they were and how the night had gone, and then he'd known that he must have been wrong. Raylan was an open book, and all of the things he'd said to Boyd must be taken at face value. Raylan did love Boyd, he had almost said as much the night before (after all, what else could it mean to call someone "the best friend I've ever had?"), but it couldn't be the same kind of love that Boyd had felt for him. Boyd had decided right then not to put himself in that dangerous a position with Raylan again. He'd been perilously close to doing something irretrievable, had almost reached out to wrap an arm around his friend, who he loved and who loved him. He had almost pressed his lips against the back of Raylan's neck that night - had, in fact, had been _this close_ to doing it.

Boyd shook himself now, trying to cast away that memory. It was a frustrating one anyway, and always made him wish he could go back to it and do it differently. Maybe if he'd been the one to move first, if he'd been more brave back then, he'd feel more in control of his emotions now. Better to just stick with the happiest of times, the best of that short, beautiful and almost surreal time when he and Raylan had been truly together. He wondered what these memories would be like when he was an old man. He didn't doubt that they'd still be with him, but it seemed possible for them to become more like dreams than memories. Maybe he'd stop believing that they'd really happened, unless. Unless. Boyd stopped himself there, because it was dangerous. Hope was not an emotion he could afford where Raylan was concerned. He went back to his book then, vowing not to let his mind run free anymore - at least until he was home. This was not a place for these kind of memories, because he could not placate himself with the idea that he had someone to be returning to. Raylan was not waiting for him anywhere.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

When Boyd's tour was over and he returned to Harlan, it felt like a dead place to him at first. All he could see were the ghosts of his relationship with Raylan, and the barren future he had ahead of him. He hunkered down, did what he was told, and learned quite a lot about how to wield power in a place like Harlan. His daddy had gained some respect for him while he'd been away at war, it seemed, and at least treated him like an adult now. Sometimes the darkness threatened to pull him down, and it was at these times - in desperation only - that he would pull out one of his little gems of memory to look at. It always seemed to have the effect of making him sadder while also pulling him back from the brink of utter despair.

One of the best ones, one of the happiest and most carefree ones, was from very early on. It was only a few days after they had first been together, and it was the first time after that. They had gone to the lake after work, as they often did in the beginning. The day was beautiful - late May, warm but not too hot. They were both good swimmers, and both loved the water, so they had spent some time doing just that. Boyd was nervous, and it was obvious that Raylan felt the same way. After a while, Boyd swam towards the shore and sat down in the shallow water, watching Raylan swim. He was a beautiful boy, with a lean, hard body and a sweet, incredibly expressive face. Raylan noticed Boyd's staring, and walked in to where he sat. He sat down next to Boyd, and they looked at each other. After a moment, they both moved at the same time, reaching a hand up towards the other, then hesitated, their hands hanging in the air for a second before retreating. It could have been awkward, but Raylan's face opened into a big smile just then, and Boyd suddenly felt like the air had been knocked out of him at the sight of it. He reached up again and pulled Raylan in by his shoulder and leaning forward to meet him in a kiss. It was tender for a second, but excitement got the better of both of them very quickly. Boyd felt a bit helpless against the rush of sensation and emotion that was threatening to overwhelm him, and he let Raylan take over. He was up to the task, and seemed to be trying to touch every part of Boyd's body at once. Boyd could still hardly believe that any of this was happening, couldn't believe that he was being touched and kissed so passionately by his friend who he had long cared so deeply for (loved) and who had shown him such kindness and affection (love). It was everything he had always wanted and feared. Now that it was happening, the fear disappeared again, just like it had the first time. He knew it would come back, but there was no room for it just then.

They got up from the water and walked back to the truck. Boyd grabbed the blanket from behind the driver's seat and spread it out roughly in the back. They lay down side by side and pressed themselves together, legs tangled together, Raylan gripping Boyd's hip and pulling him in hard. Boyd's arm was under Raylan's neck, holding him close by the shoulders. They kissed for awhile, holding themselves together, enjoying the mounting excitement. Boyd was torn between wanting to roll on top of Raylan and get off _right now_ , and staying in this position for as long as Raylan would allow. It felt so good to be right where he was, so perfectly right, but he was so hard that he didn't know how much more he could stand. Raylan started to pull away, and Boyd heard himself make a tiny, desperate noise (which he hoped Raylan hadn't heard) and he pulled him back in close.

"I'm not goin' anywhere, I was just gonna suck your dick. OK?"

Boyd shook his head and pulled Raylan's hand down to his cock and started kissing him again. Raylan smiled and bent his head to suck on Boyd's neck while he jerked him off. The feeling of Raylan's hand on his cock and warm mouth on his neck at the same time was incredible, the sensations almost seemed to be wired together, sending sparks back and forth. He dug his nails into Raylan's shoulder as he came and whispered _thank you_ into his ear, then immediately felt like an idiot, like he'd given away far too much. He felt Raylan's mouth stretch into a grin against his neck, and heard him whisper back _any time_. Boyd breathed a laugh into his hair and then moved down to lay a kiss on his collarbone, then his stomach, then without any further delay, he took his Raylan's cock into his mouth and slid slowly up and down on it. It was so much easier than the first time, when his face had been bruised and cut, and he found that he enjoyed it more than he could have imagined. The quick intake of breath when his tongue first touched his cock, the way Raylan clutched at his hair, the short moans that were coming faster and faster from his mouth, these things made Boyd feel, for the first time, that who he was, what he felt, was worthy of something good. If Raylan wanted what he had to offer, then it must be something worth having. He rubbed one hand up and down on Raylan's thigh, and he felt Raylan take hold of the other one and squeeze it tight as he came. Afterwards, they didn't linger too long in the bed of the truck - it was dangerous, anyone could have come upon them at any time, but they did stay there for a few minutes, holding on and feeling everything that was between them, everything they couldn't say to each other.

Boyd came back to himself, back to the present day, back to his lonely existence in Harlan. As usual, sadness fell over him as he left the memory, but this one had been so sweet that it almost didn't allow for it. Or made it into sort of a pleasurable feeling, in a way - sadness because you once had something beautiful was a sweet, sharp feeling that hurt in a good way. It wasn't a feeling he could handle very often though, so he was very sparing with ones like these.

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

There were some memories that only clawed their way out when he was asleep, things that he couldn't bear to think of in his waking hours, but which his mind seemed unwilling to let go of. Their last day in the mine together, with the mountain falling in on them, coal dust everywhere and his sudden panic at not being able to find Raylan anywhere - that was the worst one. They had connected after the collapse, they had sat together and let each other know how they felt, even if they had barely touched each other. And the worst of it, Boyd lying to Raylan, telling him that he'd come with him and knowing he never could, nothing was worse than that. And then the feeling the next day, when he knew Raylan was gone and had left feeling rejected and betrayed. He had cried, something he almost never did, and this was the memory that was forcing its way into his mind in the middle of the night. He felt it all over again as intensely as ever, and in his dream state he knew that it had happened before - it felt, in fact, like he had been through this harrowing experience a hundred times and kept making the same mistakes again and again.

"Boyd. Hey, wake up." Someone was shaking him by the shoulder. It sounded like Raylan, but how... oh. Relief flooded through him, and he opened his eyes. His face was wet from his dream tears, and he felt a little shaky. "What was it? The shooting?" Boyd could see the guilt on his face, and Boyd wished he could take it away. Raylan had nothing to feel guilty about, but he saw it differently.

"No, the cave-in. That's the worst. And the day after. I'm ok, I'm fine now."

"I wish you could let all that go."

"Like you let the shooting go?"

"That's different. I hurt you, I could have killed you."

"I hurt you back then."

"You let me go. Maybe that's what I needed, even though it did hurt both of us. It doesn't matter now, you've got me. I've got you."

"Yes, I know that. When I'm awake I know that. When I have one of those dreams, I don't know it. I feel like I just lost you all over again, every time."

Raylan didn't answer with words, but he slid an arm behind his neck and pulled him close with the other one. He kissed him slowly, sleepily.

"You're makin' it hard to go back to sleep, Raylan."

"I don't want you to, yet. I want to make sure you to have good dreams about me."

"We're gonna be tired in the morning."

"Maybe you will, old man. I'm up for it."

"You're two months older than me, asshole."

"You don't have to do anything, just lie there. Let me do it."

Raylan kissed him again and shifted so his body was close enough for Boyd to feel his desire. Boyd was very tired, but he didn't feel like he could refuse Raylan anything just then. Raylan pushed him over onto his side and pressed himself into Boyd, rubbing against his ass, pulling him in close with one arm and reaching over to stroke his cock with the other. Boyd leaned his head back onto Raylan's shoulder and sighed. They stayed like this, in the dark and warmth of the blankets of their bed, and the comfort of their life together filled Boyd up and chased away any remnants of pain from the dream he'd had. He was so relaxed that he was close to falling asleep, until Raylan started pushing harder into him, and moving his hand faster over Boyd's cock. Boyd turned his head to search for Raylan's mouth, and it was right there. He came just as they kissed, and Raylan followed very soon after. They did a minimum of clean up and settled in to sleep. Boyd thought of that time at the lake, the memory that had always sustained him during the worst times. He knew Raylan had spent time thinking of these things during their time apart, and he wondered if he'd remember. Boyd kissed him on the shoulder and whispered into his ear.

"Thank you."

Boyd couldn't see him in the darkness, but when he spoke he could hear the grin in his voice.

"Any time."

"I know."

**Author's Note:**

> The work title is from the Steve Earle song, "I Remember You."


End file.
